Brain Dead?

When, why and how does degeneracy set in? Am I degenerating? Has my thinking capacity gone down or is it just that I am a bit rusty right now? Is it going to stay this way? Will I be able to get back to the old me who was supposedly smart, intelligent, witty and logical?

Well, I have been busting my head over these questions for quite some time now. Maybe the post is a result of the cumulative effect of the contemplation that I have been doing over the past few weeks, and it had to come during my exam time. Exams do give you a good feel of where exactly you stand. My father has always taken the stand that one gets what he/she deserves and examinations are a perfect way of assessing one's abilities and working capabilities. I am sure a lot of people would love to refute me on this point. There is one simple argument which I feel is good enough, at least for me, to believe what my father says is right. I might sound very filmy around here, but that’s ok, some times even films reflect a few real life situations. If some one is actually good and is supposed to get something and doesn’t get it, nothing can be a logical explanation for him/her not having got what they supposedly deserved. The explanation will only be an excuse, never really a strong hold reason to refute the fact that the person was just not up to the required standards, in whatever context it may be.

Considering the fact that a lot of my friends and peers are right now going through the ‘applying for higher studies’, ‘applying for jobs’, ‘writing competitive exams’ etc mode, and myself fitting in a few of these at times, I have formed an opinion about the state of the result of any process that a human being seems to be involved in. The process, in some way or the other beats the person if he is not worth it. Now the argument against this hypothesis can involve a lot of real life examples. People will say that this person did not get this particular thing, yes agreed, but how did another person who did not really deserve some particular thing end up getting it?

It all lies in what we have been told is a standard for believing some thing. This person who supposedly did not deserve what he/she has got was somehow able to manage the situation or the process on the given day in such a way that things turned for him/her. Hence that shows the capability, of course in some different capacity. Eventually he got something because he made it to be his. Nothing comes walking to anyone. Those who get or achieve something, make it theirs and never really is anything a matter of luck or fate. And those who do not get something do not get it because there was something missing in them, something that let the situation slip away. Maybe this particular person was way better than the person who came out successful in the process in a lot of ways, but there was definitely a reason why the other person made it and this person was left behind. Now that is what the process beats you at. This might sound clichéd but it is very important to know what exactly it means. This actually helps to take the situations in a much better fashion as one learns to attribute their success or loss to their own doing and circumstances do not have any role whatsoever.

I tried to analyze my own doings and mis-doings over the past few years and tried to recollect what exactly happened and what things I did right and what things I did wrong. Well, today after having written an exam where I was doing nothing but complicating problems that would have been solved by me, had I written the exam with a mind that was seasoned to thinking and creativity a few years ago, I felt that I am no more what I was. Having come to a prestigious institute, I am supposed to have improved in thinking and expected to have a good grasp of technical knowledge and a feel for it. Those things kept aside, right now, I am not really confident about doing my numbers right. This does not pertain to the academics or career alone.

Two years ago, I would have spoken with a flair for irrefutable logic. Not that I cannot do so anymore, but I tend to drift away and blurt out base less statements, which can be brought down by a sensitive and alert mind within no time. Or maybe I feel that such is the case. Am I expecting a lot from myself or is it that I have degenerated and I am actually living it? I was creative, I used to draw and paint. I do not seem to be doing that anymore. I was good at math, I still am maybe, but I do not see myself doing any math nowadays. I used to enjoy good music. I do so even now, but I rarely listen to music now. I used to play. Now I can count the number of days on my fingers when I have actually gone down to play something in the current semester. Why this degeneracy? How?

What does one require? Sustained effort to head somewhere? Focus? But why? I believe that if one is really passionate about something then focus and sustained effort follow. Has this place not offered me anything that I can find passionate, or have I not done enough to understand and take up something that would have ignited a fire in me? Somewhere something has gone wrong. I am trying to trace my path back and figure out what went wrong? Is it only me who feels this way or are there quite a few people who go through a similar phase? I know it is not really a phase. It is more of a reality. I hate it when I feel that I am being averaged out. Yes, it is to a certain extent a big ego issue. ‘I’ has to stay, only then will there be some meaning to what I do. In turn, what I do gives meaning to ‘I’.

One need not consciously work and hence make oneself better about being in a good shape, be it mental, physical or emotional. Just being true to one’s interests and continuing the interest with certain discipline is what is of utmost importance. Other mundane things will come and go, it is only the interest that sustains one’s life. The most important thing is to learn that one should be the best at what one does and no job is an inferior job. Of course, the only way to have continued interest in anything would be to develop several interests over a period of time and hence broaden one’s perspective and the capacity to think. The ability to think might be a gift, but how well you nurture it is decided by how well you use it.

Hope I figure out soon what my real passion is and where I want to head. I do not want to feel tired of thinking and contemplating the reasons why I feel I have become degenerate or ‘have I actually become degenerate?’. I want to feel proud of myself ASAP.

We are all influenced. Those stand out who form their own paths through the influences. Do more and you will be able to do even more. That is how life works.

If you are not busy being BORN, you are busy being DEAD.

P.S.: Lite ra mama! ;)

P.P.S.: Thanks to Emma Gay( I like it!) MGM, CB, Kaka, Sania and the 'one and only' Gabbar who was probably THE person I had to meet to survive a real long day.

Special mention: Crap aka Crotchety for his Joint effort.